1.03.2012

gonna sneeze windex all over your sexy body



someone emailed me two poems and i feel really confused.
i have 41 new poems (new poetry collection?) (i guess). (i think) no one can read them.
while washing my face i thought, 'baby babe' might be my only 'real' book, and i don't know if i'm cool with that.
everyone hiccup or whatever.
i'm a big baby. i'm the opposite of a fearless baby. i'm like a ghost that wants to be a koala or something (cute).
it's 12:21 am right now.
writers are fill in the blank.
my face wants to eat your face. all the time.
my feet are cold.
i read tweets and i get really mad. i'm dumb. i say i'm dumb a lot. it's dumb.
i also say 'i don't know' a lot. i do that 'in real life' all the time. i don't know anything.
i'm older. i have zero goals for 2012. i've had zero goals all my life. i guess that's a lie. i mean i never write them down. i never have a list. maybe lists are good.
zero dumb goals.
100% dumb.
i'm one sad motherfucker.
i'm one two three four five sad motherfuckers in the shape of one
sad motherfucker.
or something.
do you want to braid my hair or do you at least want to comb it?
i stopped posting things here and i stopped gmail chatting and i stopped reading blogs because i worked and 'school got crazy'.
everything feels different now. i sit in front of my laptop and i feel nothing and i feel too much.
i sit and look at the names of the people who are online but i don't really talk to anyone. i'm invisible. i can say 'hi'. that's it. hello internet. i'm boring.
boring is ugly.
i read things and i feel sad and ugly and gross and i want to do bad things. for example, suicide is a bad thing that i want to do. just kidding. one time i got really scared because i seriously considered jumping off of a parking structure. this happened like two months ago. i'm ungrateful and i'm hungry.
this is the only thing i know for sure: at some point, i'm going to be (really) lonely.
one day i was crying and i made a video of that and then i deleted it.
i'm going to be alone and then i'm going to make videos of everything and then i'm not going to share them. i'm just going to watch my own videos and cry and film myself watching myself. and then i'm going to record that. can someone not punch my face?
one day, someone is going to put a scoop of chocolate ice cream in my mouth but i'm going to be so bummed that i'm going to think that they pooped in my mouth. it's going to be gross and i'm going to shoot myself in the face if that happens. so, does anyone have an extra gun?

12 comments:

Alice May Connolly said...

do some lists. lists are the answer. at least in the short term. i think.

rollerfink said...

I have two things to say well three on account of my word verification is gruders and for some reason I started thinking like hey maybe that could be the name for all the internet kids. Ana C is one of the gruders.

1. I've known a lot of people over time and one thing I know is that people who even talk about suicide in a jokey or not serious way often still have very serious feelings and actual suicidal thoughts. I really urge you to call a hotline or maybe your school has some help? Anyway maybe that could be a goal. You should know that a lot of people including me enjoy you and the things you do.

2. I really dig this poem. I really dig the way you write. You are very original and I really dig that.

3. Gruders.

Almudena Vega said...

this blog, this blog is cherry flavour is the answer to something I didn't know I wanted to ask.

un nombre es un espejo en frente de otro

xxxxxxx and coconut icecream

Robb said...

Delightful. You goal can be to not have goals. Done.

"lavyi"

stephen said...

i love you ana

elaine said...

i like you

J.D.A. Winslow said...

this made me feel happy about feeling sad and also made me buy your book. this was probably a good thing.

Annandale Dream Gazette said...

I like your writing a lot.

lola pistola. said...

una vez, me grabé llorando y de fondo sonaba una canción de placebo. luego saqué una pistola y me volé el cerebro mientras lo veía.

adam said...

the sex

TPHD said...

IM A SHIFTING CONTINUUM OF SAD MOTHERFUCKERS WE ARE HOLDING HANDS WE ARE DOING THE "WAVE" WHILE CRYING IT'S A STUPID THING TO DO BUT WE CANNOT HELP OURSELVES WE ARE COMPELLED

Scott Krave said...

sad and unsure and funny and great.