someone emailed me two poems and i feel really confused.
i have 41 new poems (new poetry collection?) (i guess). (i think) no one can read them.
while washing my face i thought, 'baby babe' might be my only 'real' book, and i don't know if i'm cool with that.
everyone hiccup or whatever.
i'm a big baby. i'm the opposite of a fearless baby. i'm like a ghost that wants to be a koala or something (cute).
it's 12:21 am right now.
writers are fill in the blank.
my face wants to eat your face. all the time.
my feet are cold.
i read tweets and i get really mad. i'm dumb. i say i'm dumb a lot. it's dumb.
i also say 'i don't know' a lot. i do that 'in real life' all the time. i don't know anything.
i'm older. i have zero goals for 2012. i've had zero goals all my life. i guess that's a lie. i mean i never write them down. i never have a list. maybe lists are good.
zero dumb goals.
i'm one sad motherfucker.
i'm one two three four five sad motherfuckers in the shape of one
do you want to braid my hair or do you at least want to comb it?
i stopped posting things here and i stopped gmail chatting and i stopped reading blogs because i worked and 'school got crazy'.
everything feels different now. i sit in front of my laptop and i feel nothing and i feel too much.
i sit and look at the names of the people who are online but i don't really talk to anyone. i'm invisible. i can say 'hi'. that's it. hello internet. i'm boring.
boring is ugly.
i read things and i feel sad and ugly and gross and i want to do bad things. for example, suicide is a bad thing that i want to do. just kidding. one time i got really scared because i seriously considered jumping off of a parking structure. this happened like two months ago. i'm ungrateful and i'm hungry.
this is the only thing i know for sure: at some point, i'm going to be (really) lonely.
one day i was crying and i made a video of that and then i deleted it.
i'm going to be alone and then i'm going to make videos of everything and then i'm not going to share them. i'm just going to watch my own videos and cry and film myself watching myself. and then i'm going to record that. can someone not punch my face?
one day, someone is going to put a scoop of chocolate ice cream in my mouth but i'm going to be so bummed that i'm going to think that they pooped in my mouth. it's going to be gross and i'm going to shoot myself in the face if that happens. so, does anyone have an extra gun?